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ITK C306: Gift Fair

A godly gift contest for my son has begun with me as the host and judge.

Let’s hear what our participants have to say.

“I will crusheth thee all.”
“Prostrate thyselves before me.”

…are the violent comments from Hades, God of the Underworld, and Poseidon, God of the Sea.

“Hades, does it not strike thee as odd?”
“What does?”
“Forsooth, the saint’s wife is a mermaid, and hence, his offspring is partly of mermaid descent. Half the blood coursing through his veins is that of merfolk.”
“Aye, and what of it?”
“The merfolk’s guardian deity is me, Poseidon. Hence, I holdeth the right to bless their child. An outsider like thee shouldst withdraw.”

The contest hasn’t even started, but they’re already quarreling.

“Hah-hah-ha… Thou art a fool, god of the flotes.”
“Come again?!”
“Regardless of the child’s race, he is born on earth, on MINE OWN realm. He who dwells and abides on soil shall be deemed as mine own offspring! Hence, I holdeth equal rights to bless him!”

Can we put your skirmish aside and start with the preliminaries?

I took today off from farmwork just so we can do this…

“Very well! I, Hades, presenteth mine own gift!”
“Yes, Your Mightiness!”
“Perpetual youth and longevity.”

Wait a minute.
That’s too much.
I’m actually a little taken aback.

“No! Please don’t give my newborn something a supreme ruler would pursue after he has obtained everything in the world!”

Being overly blessed has its cons, too.
And that’s not even the main problem here!

“Please exercise moderation in gift-giving!”
“Hahaha! It seems thee still lack judgment, Hades!” elatedly says Poseidon as he laughs at his opponent. “Thou dost not grasp the sense of mortal children! What is common to gods may yet confound mortals! Behold my choice, tailored to their earthly senses, as the very best!”

Let us hear it, Your Mightiness.
Poseidon’s gift is…

“Sovereignty of the Seven Seas.”

Please don’t give me looks as if you don’t know what you said wrong!
Who would give such a gift to an infant?!

Besides, the sea isn’t something to be controlled! It is free and unbound!

“Huh? That is also a no-go?”
“The saint sure is strict in his judging. A normal person wouldst be enticed by either gift!”

Whoever this ‘normal person’ is, they’re the ones who are the most dangerous.
Please don’t give such gifts casually for the sake of world peace.

Now, the two main deities are disqualified.
But it doesn’t end here just yet.
Many other gods have descended today.

“Pft, our spouses art hopeless.”
“Men art inflexible, so it is up to us ladies to chooseth gifts!”

The next two deities to appear are the Mother Earth Goddess Demetersephone and the Mother Sea Goddess Amphitrite, the same goddesses we met recently.

Yup, Sensei summoned a lot of deities. I think there are ten to twenty of them.
All of them are trying to give Junior a gift!

Moreover, they’re all competing for the right to do so!

“I shall emerge the victor in this battle!”
“I shall bless the son of the saint with mine own hand, without fail!”
“And then I shall savor his feast of great bounty afterward!”

I just caught a glimpse of their ulterior motive.
So, that’s why they’re all here.

“It is the mother goddesses’ timeth to shineth, foolish ones.”

I wonder what kind of gifts the two goddesses have for us?

As they said, women have a better gift-giving sense than men, so it’s anticipated they’ll do better than their husbands.

“We have pondered much on this matter. Let us gift that which we deem will bring our kindest joy.”
“Forsooth, such actions do require us to put ourselves in the shoes of the other and consider their needs with great care.”

I understand, but Junior is only three months old.
I think the only thing he’ll want right now is his mother’s milk.

“The baby is a boy, yes?”
“If so, we know what he wanteth. In time, it shall inevitably become that which is sought.”

Then, they present their gift to Junior…

“Please stop!!!”

Do you plan to turn Junior into a harem protag?!

“Huh? Thee doth not wanteth that, either?”
“Upon reflection, this is the saint’s son. He needeth not such a fate ascribed to him, for he shall undoubtedly be the most desirable even without it.”

Please don’t put it that way!
You’re making it sound like I’m the hottest parent in the world.
But I’m not, okay? I’m not!!!

“It seemeth our mothers did not passeth, either!”
“Then, ‘tis our turn!”

After the main deities and their wives, their children and relatives step up.
Now, they’re going to present their gifts at once?!

“I shall grant unto the saint’s son the ability to slay a thousand prey in one hunt.”
“We can neither take home nor eat them all! Rejected!”
“I bestow upon him seven extra lives!”
“Isn’t that the complete opposite of Haden’s proposed gift?! Rejected!”
“Let him drinketh from the all-knowing river!”
“It seems to come at a cost, so rejected!”
“He will not be killed by man or beast!”
“It spells death flag all over! Rejected!”
“He will experience a woman’s life while still remaining a gentleman!”
“Please don’t instill weird fetishes in my son! Rejected!”
“This is getting annoying! Frankly, I will maketh him the world’s strongest!”
“Frankly rejected!”

In the end, I rejected all the deities’ suggestions.

I don’t want my child to be a hero; I just want him to grow up peacefully and safely.

And yet, the deities were presenting over-the-top gifts!
Are they trying to turn Junior into a supreme ruler, an emperor, or a world destroyer?!

“Calm down, Dear,” says my wife, Platy.

Shouldn’t you be angry too? This is our child we’re talking about!

“I’m just happy that everyone wishes my child a happy life.”
“Celebration can’t be expressed through gifts alone. The deities are giving it their all to celebrate our little boy, and nothing makes me happier than that.”


“Assuredly, the most important thing is to celebrate! I cannot believeth we forgot that!”
“The concern of who is the foremost is naught but trivial! Each one is unique, and therefore, only one!”

Uttering self-convenient remarks, the deities got their way out.
And Platy, of all people, created their escape route. Scary.

They say mothers are strong, so does that mean she grew even stronger after giving birth to Junior?

“Let us putteth the gift matter on holdeth and first celebrate the birth of their child!”
“Viva, baby!”

The deities surround our child and begin to sing three cheers.
What is up with this weirdly solemn scene?

Oddly enough, it happens to be Junior’s naptime again. To have his sleep disturbed by the noise doesn’t make him happy one bit. Still, he responds with a bitter smile, perhaps sensing that he’s being celebrated.

And so, this is where the curtains close… or not.

Junior received blessings from every conceivable direction, but one person remained—Veil.
This dragon loves my son so much that I found it strange that she hadn’t given him anything, so I tried to ask her in a roundabout way.

“I don’t need to, do I?” was her response. “I mean, Junior will always have me protecting him. That’s the best present I can give.”

I stand corrected. Hers is probably the most terrifying.

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7 months ago

A helicopter stepmom is more annoying than terrifying. It’s only terrifying to those earning her grudge.

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